A submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive
A dominant: having power and influence over others
Both easy to understand definitions, but what does they mean in practise during play?
According to an online article I read there are three core types of submissives:
Sexual – where the submissive makes themselves available for any sex act at any time (with pre-defined hard limits)
Service – where the submissive takes care of their Dom’s needs like making tea, running a bath
Pain – where a submissive enjoys receiving pain or humiliation
Now every type of sub/dom relationship is different. My natural fit is largely the sexual sub, which often strays into service for the right person. My current dom, who I’ve played with for almost a year, regularly orders me to his place to pleasure him and I am also required to make the tea while I’m there.
From a sexual perspective three things make me a good submissive – I love to give pleasure, I love a confident guy in control of mine and I like to challenge. The ‘meekly obedient’ will apply to a point, but at times I’m just the opposite.
Whilst I don’t like extreme pain, I adore rough sex – choking, spanking, pinning down, having my body used hard, being left bruised, aching and desperate for more. There is something so incredibly thrilling about turning over control to someone else and seeing what they will do with it and how they get off on it. In the right mood, there is very little I would say no to.
Submissive role play is also a huge turn on for me, whether it’s boss/secretary, daddy/daughter, teacher/student and any similar combination. Sometimes in that scenario where you are ‘being’ someone else, it allows you to be freer with your requests and can work well, particularly in the early stages to establish your boundaries.
What I don’t enjoy is extreme pain or humilation. I have no interest being spat on or being made fun of. I am fine being known as someone’s slut or whore, but never their bitch. I don’t wish to be degraded or made to feel silly as there is no sexual gratification for me. I also don’t want to indulge in scary toys made to cause significant pain.
Any sub would say that the key to a good sub/dom relationship is trust. Ultimately you are giving that person control over your body. If I’m fucking someone with their hands around my throat, or letting them spank me with a belt, I need to know they won’t take it beyond whats comfortable and most importantly safe.
There is clearly a huge power dynamic and for some the notion of ‘owning’. But you’d be mistaken to think that the power lies solely with the Dom. Physically yes, this is often the case, but mentally the Dom needs the sub as much as the reverse is true. My currently dom once told me that I get under his skin more than anyone else he’s ever played with, and I think this is probably true for most couples where this dynamic is at its most powerful.
I know it’s a feminists nightmare, but I LOVE to be ‘owned’, especially where this leads to sharing. One of the hottest experiences of my life was turning up at my current dom’s house to find a guy there, who was then told to share me. My dom joined in and then watched whilst I gave this guy a long slow blow job. The turn on for me was not the act itself as much as the fact he was watching my every move and I was totally aware of his presence. After the guy left, he then took me to bed and gave me one of the hardest fucks he has ever given me, a reward for my hard work, and a reminder that I was his.
The final key element in the relationship is aftercare, particularly for those who like to indulge in more pain than me. This movement from the harshness of the bedroom in to maybe soft stroking, kissing and cuddling creates the transition between your dom/sub dynamic and the way you are together normally.
So is this a dynamic I always have? No. In fact I have dommed in the past too, even with people I have subbed for. I also have plenty of more neutral encounters. But is it my preference, oh absolutely!!