Now everyone has a worst sex story. That terrible, drunken fumble that turned into a disaster. That time when the guy couldn’t get it up. The morning after when you wake up wondering what possessed you.
Up until last year my worst sex story happened when I was at school. I had liked this guy for ages, we’d flirted, teased etc. Then eventually ended up having sex one night on a local golf course, more from a lack of anywhere else to go than a real sense of adventure. In short (oh the irony), it was terrible. He was very small, it lasted seconds, the phrase ‘is it in yet’ could have actually been used. So not a great one, but not too dramatic.
Unfortunately for me I met a guy last year who surpassed this bad sex story by a million miles. We met online, although actually not on a sex site and chatted for a few weeks. His sexual tastes were very open and he had tried polygamy on a couple of occasions. It was something that intrigued me and we had a couple of interesting phone sex conversations.
I wasn’t 100% sure about meeting him, but one weekend I had a massive row with my dom (we have a very fiery relationship) and so I thought what the hey!
It was a Monday night and I met him at a pub round the corner from work. He turned up a few minutes after me, ordered himself a drink, sat down and started to smoke like a chimney. This should have been my first warning sign!
We chatted fairly easily, had two drinks and he had something to eat (second warning sign was his disgusting eating habits!). We then got up to leave, as we’d pre-arranged he would drive us back to my place.
When we got into the car he started kissing me and it’s then that I noticed that he wasn’t smelling so hot. But in his defence it was a roasting hot day, he’d come straight from work so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
We got back to mine, and pretty much straight away went upstairs. If I’m very honest I really wasn’t sure I wanted to but a little bit of me felt oblidged and most of me just wanted to fuck someone who wasn’t my dom.
The sex was terrible, and I have rarely slept with a more selfish man. He was very happy just to lie back and let me suck him (unfortunately again not the cleanest smelling) but did nothing at all for me. He climbed on top and within a few minutes was done. He then stole the tv remote, put on an incredibly boring programme and was fast asleep & snoring by about 9.30.
So the next morning he had offered to drive me into work, and whilst I got ready he lay in bed just snoozing. At the point I was pretty much sorted he got up and went to use the bathroom. As I started to make the bed, looked down at the sheet and noticed two long skid marks!!!!!!
I literally didn’t know what to do and I think I just stood there dumb founded for a few minutes. This was the grossest most disgusting thing, made worse because I’m pretty sure he hadn’t even been to the toilet since we’d got back to my house and I also had no time to strip the bed!
I have no idea whether he knew what had happened but I had no choice but to try my best to act normal. That’s something which is pretty hard to achieve when you are in a car with someone for over an hour who you know has just left their shit on your 500 thread count sheets.
Eventually we arrived at my office and I could escape. I said a pretty hasty goodbye and ran in. For the next few hours it was pretty hard to think of anything else other than getting home and burning those damn sheets!
The most insulting part of this whole story is that when I checked my phone a few hours later I realise he had blocked me! What I’d done to offend him so greatly I don’t know, but let’s just say I wasn’t too impressed. Unfortunately for him he’d forgotten to block me on the dating website, so I was able to send one final message which did include a rather sarcastic thank you for his little present.
Needless to say, the sheets are no more!